random

here i am sitting by the computer, being perpetually online, but practically doing nothing productive. being online is somewhat a form of escapism for me since the day the internet came into my life. it's like trying to get/find a life virtually, a life that you fear to embark in the real face-to-face tangible world.

i dread to be insignificantly alone at some parties, being very aware that you do not know anyone else, or well enough to be comfortably conversational. where did my sociable self disappear to?

we all need some form of acknowledgments in life. some seek to be idolized, when seeking fame is a form of attention, a higher level of acceptance, a deeper sense of satisfaction and respect. i believe a lot of people yearn to be there, be it at different level of it, subtly or outwardly hungry for fame.

a politician
a music writer
corporate ladder climber
a famous/infamous blogger
a facebook star
a celebrity - - singer, musician, artiste
a famous youtube vblogger
a fashion icon
a beauty/hunk icon
head of a religious group
center of attraction amongst your peers

and the list goes on and on...

basically being really good at something(for the delusionals, they assume that everyone thinks that they're damn good at something), and gaining approval from others.

and then you would feel dejected deep inside you when you are far from what you want yourself to be in life. or when you are constantly hoping that you're someone else, envying those people around you who are deemed as more successful, achieving things that you yearn for or being closer to whom you want to be in life. at the end of the day, you curl up in your bed, randomly thinking about your own life in general, you realized there's not a single thing that you can be proud of. and before you enter into a full blown self-esteem disruption, you had already drifted into la-la land. and that repeats itself time and time again.

someone asked me once: what do you want to be in life?
i said: a good mother
and he laughed.
did he expect an answer like: a famous writer? a successful business woman? a professional dancer?

what's so funny?

i don't know. maybe i've reached to an age when the maternal clock's ticking and the motherly instinct has surfaced. i've always dreamt of being a fun and lovely wife, having a great husband, and popping a couple of kids.

and before you get ready to dress me down with all those "life is not as simple as you think it is la" kinda lectures, i know. i know it better than many out there. setting up a family is one of the most trying and difficult task of a human life, and also the most satisfying & fulfilling one. if done with a giving heart, with passion, and love, the hardship can be sweet, the pain in the midst of it is worth it. i will truely regret living if at the end of my life, i didn't go through the baptism of parenthood.

well... life is always filled with ironies. the more you want something, the harder it is to achieve. the more you want to walk the walk of life smoothly, the bumpier it becomes for you. and before you know it, you had already did years of detours of longer routes, and still back to where you had started from.

i know the sequence of my thoughts today is random. but they are truely from me.

sway

looks like a hazy night. smells like one too. i might be wrong, no? at least i hope there aren't more trees being killed tonight.

i love train rides back home, alone. not having to feel obligated to hold a conversation with anyone, after a long tired day. all i do is listen to my pod and people-watch, and i enjoy it.

the punky school boy mouthed the lyrics of the blasting music from his head phone. strumming his air guitar, the other hand moving up and down the empty frets. well he was at least a good 15 minutes rock star of his own imagination.

the guy beside me was dozing off, nodding his head towards me. he wore pants soiled with paint stains that looked like they had been there for a long time, after many washes. his nails were dirty. it must be a tough job.

then i had a 5 seconds mental struggle whether to give my seat up for a pregnant lady from afar, or to pretend not to see her and then fall asleep like everyone else. uurgghhh… i stood up in the end and offered my seat to her. i secretly despised myself for the selfish contemplating heart at first, and having that 5 seconds struggle of moral. but i'm glad i did give up my seat! :) cos someday, i'll be pregnant, and i would love someone to do that for me! oh no, my maternal clock is ticking again! urgh...!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w28ZREQe3_Q

singing.....
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you