mid-night wonders

i stood at my window and looked out at the sky of mid-night blue
a massive white cloud drifted towards me with the twilight breeze
the huge cotton candy moved slowly with elegance, with majesty
and i thanked God for the beautiful world that He had artistically created

have you laid on the grass and looked up the sky
knowing for sure that this universe is a vast sphere
that the sky on the far left and right
seemed closer to you than the one right above you?

where is the end of the universe?
how many light years away?
the stars twinkled at their faithful positions
the brilliant orion leads the lost to the right direction

the world so thoughtfully designed, so cleverly orchestrated
the amazing discoveries that had proven God's love for us
we're blessed with unending usage - the nature
no matter where you are

He is Jehovah Jireh

kaleidoscope

the shimmery random patterns twirled like an astral hallucination
it's like peeping into a whole new world made of nothing but celestial colors
amazing & lulling
the pretty formations hypnotize
how nice, if the sky is of such
how nice, if my life is made this way
well at least i could imagine it to be
everytime i peer through the mystic hole

u've got mail

when was the last time you looked forward to opening the letter box?
i never do these days, not even during my birthday.
each opening now is accompanied with lots of corporate envelopes, some of which you don't even wish to open cos you knew more or less the contents inside just by the look of the logo on the outside - THOSE FREAKING BILLS.

i used to enjoy opening the letter box. 'cos i had numerous pen pals, and one of which was my school mate, marilynn, whom i got to meet almost every day back then. but we still loved to write those secrets of crushes in school, the gossips of other girls in class and decorate the flower scented letter papers with stickers and drawings and then send the letters out with stamps of junk boats that cost only 10 cents each. marilynn was the one who taught me how to fold a leaf into a grasshopper.

i had another pen pal from japan, akiko kojima, who sent me a beautiful jade green piece of cloth, that was embroidered with flowers and birds. i wondered what was that for, it was too big to be a hanky, too thick and small to be a bandanna. and she said in the following letter that it was used in japan to wrap lunch boxes for school.

one from england, anne williams, who sent me a letter filled with different value of pence coins on it, telling me how much each coin is worth and what it could buy her. she did it 'cos i sent her a $1 note of singapore, showing off my country's currency design.

and a guy from portugal, francisco, who confessed his liking for me even though we never met and started plotting a romantic meet up in lisbon. i guess he never knew where singapore was and was convinced that the world was only the size of where he lived, lisbon.

those were the pre-internet era.

these days, i don't even get personal emails in my inbox. many are mass forwarded electronic chain letters that would instruct you to send the email to at least 10 other people, if not you'll be unlucky for the rest of your life. random mails that suggest products that could enlarge "my" penis, these junk mails should be written with gender differentiation scripts. and more.

so, start sending me nice emails with personal touch to my inbox will ya? it'll be super nice to get them in snail mails.

these letter boxes will extinct soon. even though not as pretty as what we get nowadays, they are boxes that spoke of the nostalgic tales of the wonderfully cool 80s and early 90s in singapore.

i only loved to open letters from this.

++++++

this was a pleasant email to receive after writing my previous note. the kind of email that i had not received for a long long time, compared to those nigerian scams and mass forwarded stuff. it brought me down memory lane and i could almost smell the chalk dusted classrooms and visualize the days back in zhong hua. nice one, tea. :)

+++++

Dear Shihui,

After reading your facebook note, I felt compelled to write you a really personal, customised email thats specially catered to you.

We met in the year 1992 at Zhong Hua Sec. You were sitting in the front, with Raymond Toh between us in the same row. You were in charged of all lighting and ventilation for the class as you were positioned under the switches. You were also responsible for the dissemination of documents for our row. Occasionally you were the look out to keep an eye out for teachers approaching while we were monkeying around in class. Of course, I was never part of the mob, merely a spectator.

We parted ways in 1994 as we went to different streams. Not that I enjoyed swimming much in the first place. I simply can't stand the possibility of having fish nibbling away on me. After that, we mostly stuck to a passing hi and bye. Sometimes you would come visit my class to see other people. I seldom go to your class as its further away down the corridor and your accounts teacher scares me.

Then the years drifted by, we met a few times at gatherings and chinese new year parties at my house. It wasn't until last year that I actually asked you out for, as far as I could recall, the first time out. We had a drink at a sake bar with another Raymond between us.

I have always found chatting with you rather comforting and it fills me with nostalgia, even though we never really kept in touch much in the first place. Talking to you is like walking into my old room. You know where everything is and I can just start off from when I last left. Maybe because you were from Ai Tong too. I can't quite put my finger on it but its one of those things that is just as it is.

Anyway I haven't written such a long email for such a long time. I am glad your note gave me some motivation to do so.

Yours truly,
Guofeng.

so what's next?

the battery bar on my pod has turned into a threatening thin red warning sign. i hope it'll last till i'm home. needed the sheer company of music to refrain my mind from drifting to some where i don't want it to go. the voice within me sang along loudly with bright eyes, my neck stretched a little, brows frown a little, as i sang my heart out silently in the train.

don't you realise when you want something badly, so badly that the rest of the world around you would turn into a complete unimportant mess? and you would stand alone under the glaring mr. bean spot light looking out for it, oblivious to the chaos around you, and willingly allow the beautiful world to pass you by? and you are so ever ready to sacrifice to have it, even if it's for a little while.

and after what seemed like a forever chase and look out, you finally saw what you wanted from afar, and race towards it, arms all ready for an overjoying embrace, only to realise that it is no longer what you had idealistically imagined it to be. when you finally got close, close enough to see the glaring flaws of it, the perfect dream shattered quietly. that something isn't entirely what you really wanted. then the embrace loosen with disappointment. you look at it, trying to find compromising reasons to accept its flaws, but you knew you couldn't deep in yourself.

yet, you're thankful for the journey of waiting and seeking, glad about the experience gained in the searching process. the search that kept you going, that kept you breathing all this while. then, your life suddenly come to a momentary pause, the unimportant mess resume its move nevetheless, dancing pass you, and you thought: wait, what's next? to pursue another dream & run this same searching race again? pursue something else all over again, which potentially could end up like this disappointing finale? so, what's next?

and then you stand under the same mocking spot light, hoping the search didn't end this soon. what's next then?

the cliche truth is, the sun will still shine warmly the next morning, the moon still glisten the next night.

don't stop, yet, don't forget the beautiful world that revolves around you this time round, the wonderful people around you, the other things that would light up smiles on your face if you slow down to notice. knowing that those people and things that you had taken for granted, are those that had kept you alive, the "unimportant mess" that you neglected in the race.

didn't you notice the angel above you that glides along your searching race, spreading its majestic wings of protection over you?

so, don't be afraid to run again. do not fear.

if i actually made sense here.

SIFF'08 global metal

i watched the global metal film during this year's singapore international film festival.

both koff & i didn't speak a single word to each other through out the film, the only noises that we made were some nasal sniggers and occasional laughter at the funny parts of the documentary. i was quite immersed in the film, even though i was never a metal music lover. i tried, (iron maiden, lamb of god), but i didn't like.

the documentary wasn't entirely showcasing the various different metal bands and their music. it featured more on the metal culture and history, and the messages that many different heavy metal bands try to bring across, globally.

many associate heavy metal music with satanism, devil-worshipping and rebellion. stereotyping the genre narrow-mindedly based on the outward fashion - metal studded belts, skin-heads, spiked hair, black leather wear, head banging and drugs.

in fact, as the film progressed, i was enlightened so much about the distinctively unique metal culture. it was an avenue, like an energy converting angst & oppressions in life, religious conflicts, yearnings for a revolution, political dissatisfaction, social injustice into expressive, strong music. the documentary toured about several countries (japan, beijing, mumbai, dubai, bangalore, indonesia, jerusalam) and their metal scenes and interviewed their local "scensters".

most of metal music makers are generally freedom & peace lovers, they hate to conform to the society or religion restrictions/conflicts and mostly use metal music to churn their individualistic views and emotions. really really really interesting.

japan's metal fashion - a good mix of goth, metal, punk, lollita (for girls) and some kawaii-ness all in one. x-japan is considered the most popular japanese band, some what like KISS
one really cute metal group that made up of 43(if i'm not wrong) girls singing is the Death Panda.

china banned heavy metal music. but we all know we can't stop one from seeking what they really want, or expressing how they truly feel. from the show i knew the chinese way of saying heavy metal music which sounded cool to me: 重金属摇滚, a literal translation. there are several underground metal scenes in china. one successful chinese group called tang dynasty blends chinese cultural music instruments perfectly with rock/metal. and the vocalist's cute heh heh...

i hope you can catch it if you have a chance.

found a stack of ticket stubs kiap in between a narrow gap of my secret black metal cupboard.

marie krimas

i spent the entire last week of 2008 mostly alone, other than a couple of christmas get togethers that i had to attend. i felt that the closure was necessary, reflecting on the many events in 2008 (thanking God for the good and bad ones) and gearing up for the exciting plans for 2009. i don't want a hasty start, and also i'm never a believer of resolutions which are usually not kept.

one night, i took my phone and keys and went out for a breather. i walked aimlessly around my area and began to appreciate the serenity of it, many of my friends would describe it as ulu-ness. i saw a stone chair, and took a seat. my mind wondered about nothing in particular. a distance away, there was a wooden bench. and a middle aged guy was sitting there, smoking. he looked troubled, and chain smoked in the silence, staring at the sky, in deep thoughts. i stared at the same clear sky, and saw a distinctive dot of light which shone so brightly that i thought i could wish upon, only to realise at the next instant that it wasn't a star, but merely the satellite 'cos it wasn't twinkling.

the silence is so intense, so much so that my thoughts and his could almost be heard, other than the sound of cars passing by once a while. we were of close proximity, but seemed so far away in different worlds of our own. after staring at a point for too long, i stood up and walked back home. i past by him, he was still, smoking away. one of his hands rubbed his face as if to sober up and he continued to stare at the ground in silence.

i felt for him, and that made me felt even more helpless.

+++++++

old grandpa michael called.

"hello. fion?"
"yes uncle michael?"

*and there was a long pause*

"hello? uncle michael?"
"yes....fion, i am sick."
"how are you feeling? are you having a fever?"
"u know, i felt that the Lord has asked me to..."

*another long pause*

my lips pursed and my forehead crumpled into a worried frown. asked you to what? i don't want to hear what i don't want to know. my mind raced with thoughts of him weak and bed-ridden. i was angry with myself too for getting a little emotional, 'cos he was speaking really slowly.

"...asked me to help this china woman who is abused by her husband. i met her on the train and she showed me the wounds on her arm....."

feeling slightly relieved, i listened patiently to his story of the poor abused china woman. and realised that he only needed someone to hear him out.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." psalm 147:3

"are you feeling ok now?"
"you know, i have not slept for 2 and a half days. the people who are taking care of me, set a curfew that i have to return home by 7.15pm. if not, they will lock the door and refuse me there after. i was late for the past 2 days and had to spend my nights at mcdonald's and i didn't sleep. i'm feeling dizzy now, i couldn't even put on my boots to go out."
"oh ok, why don't you take a rest now?"
"i have a request fion. can you help me to buy a box of brand's chicken essence? and i want you to accept my money for that help as i can't go out now."

he gave me his address which was just next to my block. i hurried to the provision shop and brisk walked back 'cos i didn't want him to stay up for too long. before i left home, my mind did doubt this old man, thinking that i could have possibly brought myself into a scam. but there's a voice in me that reassured me, telling me that he crossed my path so vividly for a special reason. and so i went out without weapons/items of self-defense with me.

i went up to his flat, and the scrawny poor man was already standing at his door waiting. i've not seen him smiled so broadly before. i passed the box of chicken essence through the gap of his gate and his right hand trembled to take out some money to pay me. i refused his money, cooking an excuse that i didn't have enough change. he spoke a little about the book that we're working on and said goodbye 'cos he was really too tired to hold a conversation. i said see you soon! and he chuckled as he closed the door.

i left for home. and sat at the same stone chair that i was at the other night. it was literally a stone chair. 'cos i was stoning away for a few minutes before i continued my walk back home.

"... who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion..." psalm 103:4

+++++++

my little cousin kristen drew a flower for me as a christmas gift. she made my day with a simple wish of "merry christmas" spelt as "marie krimas". it's amazing how a child's mind could flow innocently without boundaries and restrictions.

at times, i would prefer simple agenda-less conversations with kids. 'cos they're honest, so real and give you a break from the adult world which is filled with much deceptions and pretense.

these are some of the things i get from children that put smiles on my face:

sheryl choo: eeeee you are so smelly!
i was carrying little sheryl (3 years old) many years ago after eating fish porridge. she could smell the fishiness in my breath. it was embarrassingly funny.

glenda: haha! i touch your breast! i'm gonna tell mummy i touch your breast!
i was trying to keep gladys and glenda quiet at communion in church, but little glenda was so fidgety. she turned around suddenly and stretched out her hand to touch my chest area. i put my hand over her mouth to muffle her words cos someone (a guy) from the front bench actually turned around.
i was kinda paisey, but was smiling away too.

sheryl choo: it's my birthday! can u get me a dog???
me: do you know how expensive a dog is? do you know how to take care of it?
sheryl: i don't care! i want a dog for my birthday!
i realised there is no point reasoning out with this little girl.
me (out of frustration): ok! i'll pick up a wild and homeless dirty dog for you from the coffee shop downstairs!
thinking that she might be scared by the idea of a wild and homeless dirty dog, but i was wrong.
sheryl: ok! but make sure it's not too big ok?

-_-